Hard

Thinking back to my first few blogs on this topic I had a lot of gusto. I knew it was a long hard road ahead, but I had confidence I could make it work. Like anything in life there are tangible reasons we call things hard. These coming weeks and past few days are what make things hard.

I am becoming more self conscience at the gym. Going there multiple times a week and seeing all the girls in their fancy new workout attire makes me take a second look at my old T-shirts and long tank tops underneath and I realize how dingy I must look. Weeks ago I didn’t give a hoot what I looked like, I’m just going to be sweaty and red faced anyway! But something is creeping in saying I don’t look the part and I don’t belong there. I even bought a new pair of running pants due to this thought pattern. (Don’t worry they were 70% off an I returned another pair I didn’t like as much!). Every time I pack my gym bag I sigh a little to myself as I put in my faded and stretched out T’s.

Beyond this self consciousness presenting itself, I am also feeling stiffer when I start my workouts and I am getting discouraged by it. I feel stiff and sore all the time it seems. Granted part of that is a good sign, but to a part of my brain it registers as a question of why workout if I’m always going to feel bad. I want to feel good. Being healthy is supposed to feel good, right?

At the end of every workout I take a picture of my distance. It steadily is increasing. Most of the time that is enough encouragement to keep me coming back for more. My latest was 2.87 miles in 33 minutes. I started at taking pictures on week 2 and was at 2.05 miles on January 16 in 31 minutes and only running for 90 seconds at a time!!! That is progress, I’ve done 20 minutes straight now. My next workout calls for 22 minutes straight and I WILL do it.

But every day I could stop. Every turn on the way to the gym I could turn back. Every step in the parking lot I could head somewhere else. Every moment in the locker room I could pretend I just finished working out and walk back out. Even after I get on a machine I could hop just as easily off, probably easier in fact. So what keeps me going? First off a commitment to myself to finish the 5k I signed up for before Christmas. But also my faith that God loves me enough not to leave me where I am, but to sustain me to go somewhere better both physically and spiritually. Today is not the end, nor the beginning, but only a step forward. I am committed to keep stepping forward even when I don’t feel like it (which I never do), even when there are a million excuses to not go (which there always are), and even if I lose faith in myself I will have faith in God that He has a plan to get me through another tough day (which He always does)!

Thank you for being a part of this journey with me. It is hard, but God is good all the time even in the midst of hard.

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